I’m feeling a little over saturated these days.
Like there isn’t room inside for one more thing. And it’s very comfortable and easy to point the finger at FaceBook, Pinterest, the news, the world outside, Pinterest again… In a way, this is about the world outside. This is (at least in part) seasonal. Those of us in a four-seasons state feel cooped up and are beginning to stir after a long enough winter’s nap. We’re restless, searching for a release. I feel this in the most basic and primal way when entire days go by and, thanks to the freezing temperatures and wintry mixes, I can’t breathe in some fresh air. Things get dense, like the molecules inside are tightening and getting a little too rowdy. And whether or not it’s really the case, I start to feel like my mental and physical capacities decrease during this time.
Given these lowered limits, I’ve become pickier about what goes in: what I hear, see, and taste. And I’m try to be more intentional about what I express. As always and forever (amen), this is to say that I try my best. I haven’t perfected this part yet. I need another hundred or so years.
I wrote in an earlier post that this is the season to tend. The springing forth in glory will come but not without this time of watering and feeding and slowing and sowing.
Still, I have wanted so badly to produce, to put something up on our wall and see “Look here! See what I made? What I have so brilliantly brought forth?? There’s an end product!” (And while I put this out as metaphor, I’ll have you know on my small steps list I have “make wall art.”) I’ve wanted to write or draw or cook something up in an attempt to get somewhere, to show some sort of progress, to prove that things are moving in the right direction…in any direction! But as someone else puts it, this is a time to be in receiving mode and again, given the limited storage space, one has to be choosy about that ever growing Downloads file.
Maybe I’m particularly sensitive to the clutter. All I know is when too much goes in a lot of unthoughtful, non-heartfelt stuff comes out. This takes the same of snap-judgements, indifference, envy, bottomless insecurity, impatience, and other nasty by products. I don’t think the worst consequence of this is that I’m less than rainbows and sunshine all the time but instead, that all feelings and experiences then become off balance. The situations that I should get angry about tend to move over to the “indifference” category because I’ve spent a day’s worth of this energy on something like a bumper sticker I saw on my way to work or a FaceBook opinion on the Oscars. It would serve all sorts of things so much more fully if I reserved this emotional output for something with a little more weight.
So I’m doing a lot of “selective breathing in.” I’m paying attention to what I want on a gut level when it comes to eating, reading, and listening, being careful not to take in too much of what I should or have to eventually so might as well do. I’m trying to limit the FaceBook log-ins, Pinterest scroll sessions, and Twitter checks. Of course, these are only well-intentioned measures that scratch the surface of a greater way of being that reminds me we’re all porous, absorbing creatures that (in some ways) get to choose what gets in and what goes out.
Do not give me up to the will of my adversaries, for false witnesses have risen against me, and they are breathing out violence.- Ps. 27:12