Please help me
look good find this tortoise.
While we transition into our new neighborhood, I’m remaining keenly aware of how important first impressions can be. Now believe me, I’ve given some serious thought to how we should go about introducing ourselves to the community but I’ve continued to come up with nothing extraordinary, nothing that will reflect the above-average family we obviously are. So I considered myself “blessed” when, while chasing a run away stroller, I literally almost ran right into a sign that could really help our cause. The sign read: LOST TORTOISE.
“My God!!”, I thought, “THIS IS IT!!” For really, what could paint us as the selfless, everyday heroes we Cashins are, more brilliantly than returning a lost pet to its owner? And so I’m calling on you, friends, to help us bring this tricksy terrapin home, for as superhuman as we may seem we have our limits and can’t be everywhere at once… though we are working on it.
To be truthful, the sign was not the best I’ve seen. It raised a few more questions than answers like, “how slow must you be to lose a tortoise??”
The glitch in our plan is that in an attempt to be more of a “hands-free” mom, I didn’t have my phone with me to start the information gathering process. (Also, worth noting that the hands-free policy should not be applied to stroller pushing but that’s beside the point, guys…)
Had I been hands-full, I would have called right away to get more information. For instance, it would be helpful to know if the tortoise responds to his or her name, though admittedly, our dog Rumer answers to a range of things- from Rumer to Ray Charles to Jesus Christ- so this may not be much help.
So maybe it would be better to know what kind of treats a tortoise would fancy on a hot day. We could all leave out bowls of milk or jerky. But on second thought, that would probably backfire and attract raccoons or hungry children who would no doubt scare away a gentle creature like the tortoise.
I could at least call to offer my condolences and add the owner and his loved ones to our prayer list at church. Whether such effort is deemed necessary or not isn’t the point as the gesture alone will ensure us a check in the “compassionate and spiritually-minded” column. Sure, some people might feel it’s inappropriate to lift up a lost pet (“it’s wasn’t even a dog!!!“) during the service after a more serious concern like, say terminal illness or unemployment. But to those nancies I say “All God’s creatures!” and I’ll assume you fine folks would chime in with an “Amen.”
Oh and one more thing: If you’re thinking, “heeeey! I saw a tortoise with a lost look in his eye roaming around these parts in late July”, pump the brakes. The sign noted that this tortoise was lost “on or after August 7”, so great enthusiasm but no dice.
Of course, I will continue to search our neck of the woods even though today’s efforts only turned up a wild hare, two deer, and a slug the length of my foot. I’m leaving your various beats in your capable hands and trusting you will immediately call with any news. And with our family name at stake you can trust I’ll now have my phone in hand at all times.