It’s my birthday week and it seems like no one read the pamphlet I sent out last month about appropriate and acceptable behaviors during this period. So to review, here are the guidelines…
1) Please refrain from calling Katie out on any of her shit this week. This includes anything considered out of style, out of hand, out of control, untimely, unprocessed, and unrefined. All complaints may be filed with the board starting October 10.
2) Please do not hold Katie to any social, behavioral, emotional, or spiritual standards between the hours of 12:00 a.m. October 2 and 12:00 am October 10. You are also advised to lower your expectations related to Katie’s personal development during these operating hours as most of her energy will be spent in pursuit of and towards the enjoyment of cake and naps.
3) Any requests made between October 2 and October 10 will need to be submitted in writing and hand delivered to Katie along with a chocolate offering.
4) Any verbalized implication that Katie should feel anything other than excitement about her age (29) will be grounds for excommunication.
5) Anyone who suggests that Katie should “not worry about eating cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner” solely reasoning that she may “start the diet” or “burn double calories” tomorrow will be force fed cake and stripped of his or her gym membership.