When you are brought face to face with a really ugly belief (of yours) (that you may not have realized you were carrying around)

I’m sure I can’t be the only one who has heard the experience of childbearing explained as a “blessing” or the “greatest gift” that God could give a person. And I’m just as sure  I’m not the only person who has cringed at the image of what those words can bring up; the idea that God picks and chooses who gets to be pregnant and who does not, who has a healthy or easy or “successful” pregnancy and who does not.  Because where does that end? In a place which reinforces that God has favorites or needs some people to suffer just a little bit more than some other, more “blessed” folks.

Right. We know this. Let’s cut to the chase.

But here’s something very true. When I found out I was pregnant with Zo I was floored and shocked and all 32 synonyms that go along with the understatement that is “surprised.” I’m pretty sure even if we had been really putting our minds to creating a little bit of life I still would have marveled at the pure craziness of pregnancy. It’s absolutely nuts, if you think about it. A lot of our humanness is. Just nuts.

And so a lot of the time, as a way of trying to convey how CRAZY a concept it is that there is this other life in our lives now, I will motion to Zoey and say something like “Yep. That was a God thing.”

It might be because I’m moving a little more slowly in this season (like my brain and stuff…) but something hit me right smack over the head when I threw this thought into the air earlier today. That for all my God doesn’t have a favorite child talk even the tiniest part of me that hinted at the whisper of a belief that Zo’s arrival on the scene was a definite part of the plan doesn’t back that up.

And this leaves me with a few more questions than answers. Mainly, if I believe that God, more than anything, is abiding and present with us in joy and pain and sorrow and days where we wake up with so much doubt, where is God in the kind of growth a child brings?

If given the opportunity to redo all of the instances I’ve explained Z as an effort on God’s part (and I mean, what else is a blog for, really?) I’d say that my release of a tight grip on life was nudged along by God, my openness to maybe not jumping off a bridge when I found out I was pregnant was aided by a faith that against all evidence to the contrary there is something more OK than myself at work in the world, and the continued blessing of being enough of a person/mother/wife/ daughter/ sister/ friend (whether I 100% believe that or not) that allows me to bring this up in others, is the ultimate God thing.

So from now on when I motion to Zo and attempt convey all of the not planning that went into her being, I’ll leave it at “that’s a crazy thing.”

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2 responses to “When you are brought face to face with a really ugly belief (of yours) (that you may not have realized you were carrying around)

  1. I love this blog post!

    Laura Renegar [MC900432691[1]]
    Accounting Manager
    Primax Properties
    1100 East Morehead Street
    Charlotte, NC 28204
    704-954-7219 Direct Line
    704-975-5037 Cell
    704-374-1416 Fax

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